Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in enigma1812's LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 14th, 2005
2:37 pm	i miss myself. the way i was before. Looking at old pictures i see how much ive changed become darker. i want to be my happy self again. A part of me wants to be happy another wants to continue this dark abyss of a life. i cant decide who i am anymore, maybe i should just be happy.my mom yelled at me again. looks like im going to North Dakota to visit dear old dad. He doesnt like me, nor my mother. My mother is very religous if she knew what i was up to ide be hung at the noose (Comment on this)
10:48 am	this is my first entry i hate myself . Is that a good way to start a entry? I am not sure. I cant write this reality on my real live journal because i know that people would only assume suicide. Some times i contemplate running away. No one knows me as i am . My shell is just an accumulation of all that ive seen. And even as i write this i cant help but think dear god shes being such a teenager. No ones going to read this but me.my name is ELena i live in costa mesa CALIFORNIA. my friend kathrine made me start this livejournal because she states she worries about me.I Met her in acting class, but we barely speak. Shes a nice girl, kinda wierd. But since shell be reading this i wont go into detail of her oddities. Today is such an odd day i should be studying for my summer school (History) i didnt take it this year. because o fuck it its my journal i was and am an anorexic/bulimic. It doesnt go away it only gets worse. It becomes a second skin food is a poisen as is anything that could potentaily make you gain weight. MY mother constantly bothers me about it. But it doesnt seem she cares about me . She cares about it makking me ugly. I am serious she doesnt care if i die just whether or not ill be ugly. Idont even do it for being thin anymore i do it because its like a second skin one i cant get rid of its beyond a problem or a habit its become a secret part of myself that no one knows. another part of myself that no one knows i act sexual because it gets me closer to guys i need to feel wanted or desired so i make out and do all these crazy sexually activities with a few regulars. None of them care about me. Ive never actuallly had sex ive gotten pretty close. i dont drink , i dont do drugs. I JUST DO this because i think it makes me feel cared for and wanted for the moment im in it the second it ends and they get up , flirt with other girls i know im just the intelligent friend thats a good fucking time. (no actually fucking).heck i look like Halle Berry ."its just fun" they say , it doesnt mean anything and i know it.i let them beleive that i dont feel anything either.but thats not true.everytime i do it it hurts i feel used and cheap which is prob what i am.i was so innocen before this year.ok so i was an annorexic bulimic but at least i didnt touch boys.my FIRST KISSwas with a fat kid named adam. adam really liked me because i was pretty, He was prob the only guy who didnt see me as sexual number to rack up. i know all guy are like this i guess i just display that kinda of euphora. Whatever. hopefully Elena McClellan will die sooner than later. (5 Comments |Comment on this)